Staring Down the Barrel
by keistje
Summary: Betrayal isn't always what it seems to be. (One-Shot SanzoxGoku)- After 'A Simple Kiss' - Added note to readers and reviewers


**Title:** Staring down the Barrel

**Summary:** Betrayal isn't always what it seems to be. (One-Shot SanzoxGoku)

**Disclaimer:** Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me. Things would be _very_ different if they did. hehe

**Warnings: PG-13** There really isn't much here to be warned about, just some swearing and a little shounen-ai.

**A/N:** This takes place sometime after 'A Simple Kiss', so if you haven't read that, a few things might seem odd to you. Sanzo and Goku are already together, and Goku has been taught the ability to use his ki. He normally uses it for fighting, but has the ability to heal as well. I think that's everything that would be unusual.

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Goku could feel himself shaking, feel his limbs quivering as if he had jelly instead of bones. He felt as if he were going to shake until he broke into a thousand pieces. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he screamed aloud, voice cracking with the anguish that was crushing his heart. The sobbing mental image of himself sank to his knees and bowed his head, ready to accept the inevitable.

Goku stood there, solid as a rock on the outside, not a finger trembling with the emotions he kept in check. He could have been made from stone, had a breeze not been teasing the ends of his hair, whipping them into his eyes. He wanted to brush them away, but any movement could end this stalemate, and he had not yet figured out what to do.

The gun was pointed directly at his forehead, aimed so the bullet would take him right between the eyes. At this distance, there was not much chance it would miss, even if the shooter had not been a crack shot.  He stared down the barrel of the 9mm, looking death directly in the face. If he messed up, if he could not get through, he would not have time to dodge. He had one chance to save them all.

No sounds broke the tense silence except for his own breath and the breathing of those around him. Five chests rose and fell, when there should have been four. Two of those were breathing the shallow, uneven breaths of the hurt and unconscious. At least they were still breathing. It could have been otherwise. He had thought it would be, for a long moment, until the shakujou had caught the barrel of the gun, the motion causing the bullet to strike Hakkai in the shoulder instead of the forehead. With a cry, the healer had fallen, hand over the bleeding wound, unconscious before he hit the ground.

"Hakkai!" Gojyo had cried as he sprinted towards his fallen comrade. The gun had leveled at him, aiming to take him in the back, but Goku had already whipped Nyoi-bou around to strike, knocking the gun hand down and to the left, so the bullet ripped through Gojyo's leg instead. The half-breed had gone down, nearly on top of Hakkai, an almost silent cry of pain escaping his lips. He had fought the blackness that pressed down on him, and glared at the shooter. "Fuck you!"

Goku had cautiously extended Nyoi-bou to catch Gojyo under the chin, knocking him out. He hoped that his friends would be spared if they were silent. And now here he was, staring at the end of his life in the hands of the one person with whom he had never wanted to face off.

Sanzo stared back at him, face devoid of any emotions, no trembling to betray what was going on in his mind. His normally violet pupils were invisible behind the black sheen that covered his eyes, making him look unearthly. Except for the eyes, he looked no different than the man Goku had grown to love, who loved him back, but his actions were those of an enemy.

Laughter rang out behind Goku, but he did not turn. He did not fear an attack from behind; the speaker was too cowardly to do his own dirty work, preferring to let others do it for him.

"So, my diminutive friend, it looks like we are down to just you. Are you enjoying my little game?  Isn't it fun to be betrayed by one you thought was a friend?"

Goku refused to stay silent any longer, hoping that Sanzo would not fire until he moved. "Shut up! It isn't him doing this, it's you! He would never betray us!"

"Ah, that's where you're wrong. There is so much darkness in his heart, it was easy to get inside and twist a little, making him my pawn. He was ready to believe that he was alone."

"What did you do to him?" Goku raged.

"I just let him believe that you had all abandoned him, leaving him behind like trash. It was incredibly simple. The fear was already there; I only had to make it real."

"Why the hell are you doing this? What do you want from us?"

The youkai laughed again. "What do I want from you? I suppose you expect me to say the sutra, since that's what everyone seems to want."

Goku was taken aback. That was exactly what he had thought this was about. "Then what do you want?"

The laughter cut off abruptly, and the air chilled. "Revenge." The whispered word snaked around him, sending shivers up his spine. "Revenge for all those you have killed, those who will never see another day because of you!"

Goku barely stopped himself from snorting. "Revenge? Is that all? For what? Did we kill someone you knew?"

The youkai behind him screamed in rage. "You dare to mock me? You killed them all, my friends, my family, the woman I loved! They were just doing what they were told to, and you cut them down, without pity, without remorse. Did you think you could live with all that blood flowing behind you?"

Goku laughed a little, but there was no humor in it. "This is not the path we would have taken if we'd had a choice. We didn't want to pave our way with the bodies of those who stood against us. We had no choice. We were given a mission, and we've done what we must in order to succeed." There was no reply, so he continued. "The gods—"

"Gods? What gods?" Laughter again, this time tinged with a madness that had not been there before. "There are no gods. None that I believe in. Gods would not have allowed my sweet angel to be taken from me."

"I never said the gods were merciful, or just. But they do exist, and we're here by their order." He could not stop the bitterness from creeping into his voice. He had been living with Sanzo too long to hold much respect for the gods.

"Shut up! You travel with a holy man that kills and speak of gods that watch over us, while you yourself have acted as gods, killing anyone in your way. How can you live with what you are?"

"We don't have a damn choice!" Goku yelled back. "We all suffer for what we do. Do you think we haven't faced revenge before? You say we killed those who were doing what they were told to. Well, we're just doing the same. Our situation is no different, except that we have lived."

"You're lying! Shut up! I'm tired of listening to you babble. It's time for you to die!"

In front of Goku, Sanzo moved just a little, and the gun wavered slightly. A look of pain creased his brow.

"What are you waiting for? Kill him!" The order was screamed at the uncertain monk.

Goku tensed, watching Sanzo's every move. Lowering his voice, he called softly to the man. "Sanzo, it's me. You don't want to do this."

The monk did not reply, but his hand started to tremble, and the expression of pain deepened.

"Sanzo, I know you can hear me. I don't know what he did to you, but I'm still here for you. I'll always be with you. So put down the gun."

The wavering of the gun barrel became more violent, and Sanzo's entire body began to shake. He collapsed to his knees, and Goku took a step forward, but halted when the weapon snapped up to his face again. The monk was not looking at him any longer, but Sanzo did not need to see his victim to get off a clear and fatal shot. At least he did not have the banishing gun any longer. They had managed to steal it from him the night before, when he had begun acting odd, and it was secreted in Goku's pack, safe wherever Hakuryu had hidden. The 9mm had been given to him sometime today; Goku was not sure when. It was still a dangerous weapon, but as long as he could avoid a fatal shot, the injury should be healable. At least, he hoped so.

"Sanzo, you're strong enough to beat this. Come back to me."

Sanzo's head came up slowly, teeth clenched and blackened eyes narrowed against the pain. He forced out a word through quivering lips. "G-Goku?"

Relief flooded through Goku, and he smiled. "Sanzo! Yeah, it's me!"

The man did not reply for several seconds, and Goku's smile faded. Sanzo looked confused. "Goku? W-What happened?" Before Goku could open his mouth to answer, rage swept over Sanzo's features, his eyes darkening further. "Why did you leave? Why did you leave me?" The gun hand was steady again, and the monk struggled to his feet. "You told me you would always be with me! You fucking lied!"

Goku was pushed backwards by the pure venom and hurt in Sanzo's voice. Whatever he thought had happened, it was affecting him badly. Sanzo never lashed out at anyone like this. It was more his style to be quiet and cold, not loud and emotional. Goku was not sure what to say. He had to break into the nightmare that engulfed Sanzo.

"Sanzo, I never left. That wasn't real. He's playing with your mind, making you think things that aren't true. I couldn't leave you."

Sanzo seemed to collect himself a bit before replying. A sneer crossed his face. "You're lying, you little shit. I know what you did. Did you think I would forgive you and welcome you back with open arms?"

That hurt, but Goku knew it was not really Sanzo saying it. He felt consumed by a helpless rage. Fighting with Nyoi-bou was his forte, not dueling with words. Hakkai would have known what to say, but Goku was at a loss. "You know I couldn't leave you, Sanzo. I love you. This isn't you, it's a nightmare you're living in."

"Shut up!" Sanzo yelled, pure hatred in his midnight eyes. "Fuck you. I trusted you, and this is how you repay me. You and those two shits. I would have expected something like this from that damn half-breed, but not from you or Hakkai. I see they didn't come back with you. Too cowardly to face me?"

Goku glanced to the side. Hakkai and Gojyo were still lying there, well in Sanzo's field of vision, but he was not seeing them. This further proof that Sanzo was living in a lie calmed Goku a bit. If he could get the monk to see them, maybe it would help break the spell. "Sanzo, they're here. They're right over there. They're hurt, we need to heal them. We need to end this quickly." Goku gestured to his friends.

Sanzo's eyes followed his hand, and looked directly at Hakkai and Gojyo. "Liar. There isn't anyone there…" Pain crinkled his face, and he began to look uncertain again. "Wait... I see… I see… red?" The man brought a hand up to his head, gripping his forehead to drive back the agony.

"You don't see anything!" The youkai behind Goku screamed, jumping down from his perch and approaching them. "Your pain will only grow until you do as I command!"

Sanzo seemed surprised to see this new face, as if he had not known he was there before. "Who the fuck are you?" he growled.

"It doesn't matter! Kill him!" Red faced and incredibly angry, the youkai shouted in his face.

Sanzo struggled against the confusion. "Why the hell should I do what you tell me? I am my own master."

The gun was pointed at the youkai now, and the creature hesitated, a shadow of fear in his eyes. "You'll do what I tell you, because otherwise you'll die." The words were brave, but the look on his face was cowardly.

"No!" Goku protested. "I won't let you kill him. If I have to give up my life to save his, I will."

At his words, Sanzo hesitated. He looked towards Goku, searching his face, struggling to grasp reality. The blackness in his eyes receded a bit, and Goku thought he could see violet behind it. His heart quickened at the thought that he might be getting through to the monk. He pinned Sanzo with his gaze, and spoke from his heart. "I'm not lying, Sanzo. I would rather die than be without you. I will never let anyone hurt you. I love you, more than anything." He could definitely see violet now.

"You bastard! I'm not going to let you undo what I've worked so hard for!" The youkai jumped at Goku, claws outstretched. Goku called for Nyoi-bou, but he knew he would not have time to protect himself. A shot rang out, crystal clear in the quiet forest, and the youkai hit the ground at Goku's feet. The demon curled into the wound in his arm, crying in pain.

An indrawn breath brought Goku's attention back to Sanzo. The man was panting now, sweat streaming down his face, pain etched on his features. "I don't know what the fuck's going on," he spat, "but nobody dies until I say so."

Goku started towards Sanzo, ready to throw his arms around him, but was stopped by the gun swinging on him again.

"What the fuck is happening here, Goku? Who is this idiot? Why shouldn't I shoot you where you stand? Why did you… leave?" The last word was spoken so quietly that Goku was not sure he had actually heard it. The monk's eyes were gray now, shot through with white and violet.

Goku held his hands out to his lover. "He confused you, Sanzo. You've got to trust me when I say I didn't leave you. I'll never leave you. He's been feeding you lies, making you think things that aren't true. He's already hurt Gojyo and Hakkai, don't let him hurt you too." Goku gestured again towards their friends, and Sanzo saw them clearly this time.

"What the fuck?"

Goku reached for Sanzo's attention again. "Sanzo, please, look at me."

The blonde swung back towards him slowly, lowering the gun towards the ground. He was obviously still in pain, but his overwhelming emotion was one of confusion. "What…"

Goku needed to end this now. "We need to help them. We've got to get out of here now."

Sanzo nodded slowly, and Goku observed that his eyes were almost clear, only streaks of gray remaining. He took a step towards the monk, then another, and when Sanzo did not raise the gun again, Goku laid a gentle hand on his arm. "Let's go."

Lying forgotten behind them, the youkai suddenly rose up and gripped Sanzo by the ankle. In a flash Sanzo's eyes were black again, and the gun was aimed at Goku, only a few inches from his face. "You aren't going anywhere! You're all going to die here! Kill him!"

Sanzo did not hesitate. He pulled the trigger.

Goku closed his eyes. He had not been able save any of them, and now he was going to die. His only regret was not having had more time with Sanzo.

The bullet shot past Goku's cheek, leaving a trail of blood behind it. His eyes jerked open as the pain stung him. How could he not be dead? Sanzo could easily have killed him from a much greater distance. Goku stared at the man.

Sanzo stared back at him. As Goku watched, the black tainting his eyes dimmed, then vanished entirely. Cool violet eyes watched him, evaluating, calculating. Satisfied with what he saw, Sanzo turned to the cowering youkai still attached to his ankle. "You underestimated us. I am no one's pawn." A quick shot, and the youkai stilled, never to move again. The monk looked down at the 9mm in his hand with disgust and tossed it to the ground. "Where the hell is my gun?"

"I've got it." Goku ventured. He was cautious now, hesitant to act unless it was all truly over. "Are you… are you okay?"

Sanzo rubbed both hands across his face and through his hair. "I've got a bitch of a headache, but other than that, yeah, I'm fine." He peered closely at the younger man. "What about you?"

His close scrutiny made Goku flush. "I'm okay."

Sanzo walked up to him, and ran a thumb through the blood trickling down his cheek. He wiped it on his robe, then used his sleeve to wipe the rest off Goku's face. "I'm glad," he said quietly.

Goku gazed up at the man he loved, and rejoiced at the emotions he saw reflected in his eyes. Sanzo had come back to him. Everything was okay. He tilted his face up for a kiss, and Sanzo obliged him. The familiar feeling of loving lips pressed against his filled Goku with relief, and he sagged against the monk, his suddenly trembling limbs unable to hold him up. Sanzo staggered back a bit at the added weight, but wrapped his arms around the young man to support him. "It's okay, it's over," he whispered against Goku's lips. A ghost of a kiss, then Goku felt, rather than heard, words spoken into his mouth. "Thank you."

Noises from behind them finally broke them apart, and Goku turned to see Gojyo struggling to sit up, cursing to himself. "Fucking hell, that hurts. Goddamn monks with guns, ought to lock'em all up. Not to mention brats with sticks."

"You're lucky I haven't got my gun." Sanzo scowled at the redhead.

Gojyo's head snapped up, anger on his face. "Why? So you can shoot me again?"

Hakkai struggled up at that moment. "Now, now, Gojyo, we all know Sanzo wasn't himself."

"Yeah, but it wasn't like he didn't want to." The words came as an echo, Sanzo saying at the same time, "Yeah, but it wasn't like I didn't want to." The redhead and the blonde glared at each other as Hakkai and Goku laughed.

Goku jogged over to Hakkai, helping the healer to sit up. "Let me fix this, Hakkai." Placing a hand on each side of the bullet wound in the man's shoulder, Goku directed his ki into the hole, knitting together muscles and skin. When he stopped, there was a slight scar, but it was barely noticeable. The young man moved to Gojyo's side and placed his hands on the man's leg, healing his wound as well. Goku sat back, admiring his handy work, ignoring his shaking hands. He tried to get up, but his knees buckled, and he would have hit the ground had Sanzo not caught his arm. A golden eyebrow quirked up, and Goku smiled at the man, lowering himself back to the ground. "I… I think I'll sit here for a moment."

"Good idea." Sanzo replied, then sat down himself, drawing a cigarette from his sleeve and lighting it.

Goku leaned against Sanzo, resting his head on the man's shoulder. Sanzo shifted slightly, but didn't push him away, and Goku smiled to himself. Looking up, he saw Gojyo watching them. The redhead gave him a grin, then turned back to Hakkai, lighting up his own cigarette.

They were getting nowhere on their journey, but they sat, talking quietly amongst themselves, until Hakuryu came winging back. With various groans and mutters, the four got into the jeep and headed west, the brilliant sunset marking their path in red.

--Owari--

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A/N:

This one-shot is a good example of an idea that pretty much wrote itself. I was driving down the road humming to the radio, and a song came on that I had heard before, but hadn't really listened to. It's called 45 by Shinedown. One of the chorus lines is "Staring down the barrel of a 45", and hearing it brought an interesting picture to mind. It wouldn't leave me alone, so I sat down in front of the computer as soon as I got home, and here you go.

Hope you enjoyed this look into their lives after 'A Simple Kiss'. Thanks to bleedformeee and Shelley for reading this over, and to stitcher2ficcer for editing, you guys are awesome!

Bleedformeee has done a lovely drawing of a scene from this one-shot. The link to her great art is located in my bio.

It was brought to my attention today that this story was posted on animespiral under the same name, by an author who was claiming it was her work. After looking into it, stitcher2ficcer and I found that not only had she stolen this story, but also three from D-chan, one from dream-eater-is-hungry, and one from GinRyu-chan. I find it very disheartening that someone could steal a story that an author has worked so hard on and claim it for their own.

Readers and reviewers, you are our best hope to avoid this. If you see our work on another site and are not sure if the author is us, please email us and ask. I for one would prefer getting tons of emails asking if I posted my story elsewhere if the alternative is to allow someone to take credit for something I've poured my heart and soul into. It's hard for me to check every fic website to make sure this isn't happening, and to be honest, it hadn't occurred to me before today that I needed to. If Mei-Nuriko hadn't emailed me to ask if I was posting there, I would never have known.

Please spread the word to your friends in the anime fandom and ask them to be on the lookout. We are here to spread our love for our favorite shows and characters, not to have our work stolen by others. I hope this is a rare thing; I refuse to believe that all the wonderful anime fans I have gotten to know would have so little respect for another person's work.

Thanks for listening,

keistje


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